Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
