i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
