The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
