her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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