You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
