You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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