He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
