If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
