I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
