My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So much rum. So many feels.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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