why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
