I haven't been this sober since birth.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I cut my penus on the lid.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
