i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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