I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
