i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
