every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
