You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
