On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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