On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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