I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
