fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have fence marks all over my body
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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