My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
