No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
