you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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