My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
