Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
