My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
