Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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