I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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