Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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