So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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