Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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