I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
