I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
