My room smells like vodka and shame
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
