i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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