I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
