but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
