I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
