My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
