He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
