drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
