I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You've changed since you got that strap on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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