life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
