dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
