my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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