Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
