There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
