About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
