The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
