Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
