Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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