You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
